The Things She’d Never Said to Him

A love that was deeper than physicality–that’s what I felt for you. Perhaps, at one point you felt that way too? However, there’s nothing that you’ve either said or done to show that you ever wanted anything more than physical access to me. I know that the conversations we had were real and sometimes meaningful, but I recall them all being punctuated by physical exchanges. In those conversations, you shared very little about yourself, and there’s little about them that you can now remember. They are nice to reflect on at times. At other times, I really want to scream, “You once were the whole world to me! I’d have sacrificed everything for you because I loved the idea of being with you.” I also wanted us to have that child you’d mention in passing. However, you never expressed interest in being together to raise said child and that was my clue that you wanted no relationship. That was the micro fact that kept me away from you. You also had someone in your life all that time, so how could I take what you were saying seriously? There was someone in my life too, but he and I were never serious. He hung out with me because he liked my company and I enjoyed his. He and I knew we could never be a couple because he believed that I deserved a better man than he was. When he did eventually fall in love with me and I with him, I kept my distance from you. You were single at that time, but because you and I barely spoke, I didn’t know you were single and thinking of me (as you much later claimed). Shortly after he realised he loved me, he broke my heart so I’d leave him alone. That was hard since nothing before breaking up with him had hurt quite as much. I moved on from him and found a sweet guy my own age. But as I was growing my relationship with him, you came back into the picture, but you’d already started dating the girl you’d later propose to. He was the man I’d eventually divorce. I didn’t want to marry him. I didn’t want to move in with him at the time. Life had other plans. As pressure built upon my shoulders, as I couldn’t stand the constant fighting with my parents, I buckled and got married since that’s what they wanted. I did love him, my first husband, but I didn’t love him long. I tried to make our marriage work, but when I realized that it couldn’t, I made him leave. He didn’t deserve to be with someone who didn’t love him. He deserved so much more, and I’m glad he has finally found happiness. I’m glad he is better now and happier, too. I know I did the right thing–letting him go. My heart wanted you; I can’t help that I loved you. I can’t help that you’d kinda always been in my heart. Your sincerity when we spoke, your gentleness in the moments we shared, everything I saw in you made me not want to settle. The life that I could see with you seemed worth working for back then, particularly because you said that’s what you also wanted. This didn’t factor into my decision to leave my husband. All you did was help me through the tough decision I knew I had to make. I don’t regret leaving him. All you did was tell me how you felt. All you did was express your interest in being with me. I had asked you to leave me alone. You didn’t listen. But, I was also at fault. I wanted to stay friends with you. I didn’t want to let go. In truth, I realized that I loved you more than him. I had erred greatly in marrying him just to be rid of my parents’ constant pressure. He truly didn’t deserve being in that situation, and I did everything I could to free him from it. But thinking of the pain he suffered and everything he went through, I wish I had been strong enough to spare him it all. After all that had happened, I was ready to live free. This time without my parents forcing decisions on me. I worked a good job and kept in contact with you. Months after my ex had moved out, you finally were back here in the country. I finally got to spend more than just two hours with you. (Though, we still haven’t seen each other over consecutive days since high school.) But after everything went so great that night, I found out that you were dating someone in the country where you lived. I was hurt that you’d kept her from me. I could tell she adored you completely. I didn’t know what you felt. But, I felt deceived, betrayed. Though we were not a couple, the discovery broke my heart. I spent some time crying. You’d ask me before you left about a picture on FB, but how could I tell you what I felt at that moment? I was hurt, angry, confused, and betrayed. I felt used. I didn’t think anything you said to me was true. I didn’t think you really cared. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you what I felt, so I lied and said that the picture meant nothing. You shouldn’t worry about it. After that whole thing, I had to put you out of my mind. I still spoke to you since it was nice to know that you thought of me, but I was no longer dure that I wanted to be more than just friends. There was a co-worker whom I liked enough to date, but things did not work out because of complications in my life. After that, I did not really want a relationship, though there were a few men to whom I was talking. One is in Canada with a child. He’d been my childhood playmate. I didn’t pursue because what was the point? There were two others I would have considered–one an adjunct, the other a professor. But again, I didn’t pursue. I just kept them as friends. Another man was already married so, though he was interested, that wasn’t happening. Couldn’t even be friends with him. I had also reconnected with a childhood crush, but he was not actually interested in dating. He’d have been good for me, but as he didn’t want that, I didn’t pursue. I was in a place where working, going to the gym, and casual dating was better than a relationship. I was happy. I had great friends, wonderful co-workers. My personal life was all over the place, but I spared no thought for it at that point. You and I kept in contact, but at times I was moody because of the broken heart and feeling of betrayal. I was aloof in our dealings because I had come to accept that we’d never be together. Thus, I chose to spend my time with other people even when you were close enough to see me. I also did that because you acted like seeing me wasn’t really a priority, which only accentuated the sting of the betrayal. I never told you this because I feel that you don’t care about it. None of it matters now anyway. The words deserve to be bottled up tight. The pain and it’s company have no recourse or refuge. Choices have been made, hope defeated. Better to bury than engender useless feelings. Wiser to go on along different avenues alone. There in the unknown tranquility’s possible. The protesting heart will grow weary of fighting. A battle so securely lost can never lead to victory. You feel what you do and have moved on with your love. No sense in foolishness when time leaps forth; no possibility of past becoming present. Heartache must learn to find comfort in settlement or else the soul should be set free to drift on in its journey. Alone and untouched by the silliness of fantasy.

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लग जा गले से फिर, वो कौन थी से (१९६४) [Lag Jaa Gale se Phir from Woh Kaun Thi? (1964)]

लग जा गले hmmhmm हसीन रात hmm hmm

Lag jaa gale hmmhmm haseen raat hmm hmm

लग जा गले के फिर यह हसीन रात हो ना हो

Lag jaa gale ke phir yeh haseen raat ho na ho (Hug me since this beautiful night may or may not be [or come] again)

शायद फिर इस जनम में मुलाक़ात हो ना हो

Shaayad phir is janam mein mulaaqaat ho na ho (Maybe we will or will not meet again in this life)

लग जा गले के फिर यह हसीन रात हो ना हो

Lag jaa gale ke phir yeh haseen raat ho na ho

शायद फिर इस जनम में मुलाक़ात हो ना हो

Shaayad phir is janam mein mulaaqaat ho na ho

लग जा गले ए ए

Lag jaa gale e e

हम को मिली है आज यह घड़ियां नसीब से

Hum ko milee hai aaj yeh ghadiyan naseeb se (We met today because of fated events)
हम को मिली है आज यह घड़ियां नसीब से
Hum ko milee hai aaj yeh ghadiyan naseeb se

जी भर के देख लीजिए हम को करीब से

Jee bhar ke dekh leejiye hum ko kareeb se (Take your fill of looking [as] we are so near to each other)

फिर आपके नसीब में यह बात हो ना हो

Phir aapke naseeb mein yeh baat ho na ho ([For] in your fate this situation may or may not happen again)

शायद फिर इस जनम में मुलाक़त हो ना हो

Shaayad phir is janam mein mulaaquaat ho na ho

लग जा गले ए ए

Lag jaa gale e e

पास आये के हम नहीं आयेंगे बार बार

Paas aaye ke hum nahin aayenge baar baar (Come to me as we cannot repeatedly come [together like this])
पास आये के हम नहीं आयेंगे बार बार
Paas aaye ke hum nahin aayenge baar baar

बाहें गले में डाल के हम रो ले ज़ार ज़ार

Baahein gale mein daal ke hum ro le zaar zaar (Hug [me] tightly and we cry repeatedly)

आंखों से फिर यह प्यार की बरसात हो ना हो

Aankon se phir yeh pyaar ke barsaat ho na ho (The tears [literally rain] of love may or may not flow from [these] eyes again)

शायद फिर इस जनम में मुलाक़ात हो ना हो

Shaayad phir is janam mein mulaaqaat ho na ho

लग जा गले के फिर यह हसीन रात हो ना हो

Lag jaa gale ke phir yeh haseen raat ho na ho

शायद फिर इस जनम में मुलाक़ात हो ना हो

Shaayad phir is janam mein mulaaquaat ho na ho

लग जा गले ए ए

Lag jaa gale e e

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तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे अप्रैल फ़ूल से (१९५४) Tujhe Pyaar Karte Hai Karte Rahenge from April Fool (1984)

तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। Tujhe pyaar karte hai karte rahenge ke dil banke dil mein dhadakate rahenge. (I love you and will always love you. Let this become the heart beating in your chest.) [This line is difficult to translate]
तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। (I love you and will always love you. Let this become the heart beating in your chest.)
तेरा नाम ले ले के जीते रहेंगे Tera naam le le ke jeete rahenge (I will keep living with your name on my lips)
तेरा नाम ले ले के मरते रहेंगे। Tera naam le le ke marte rahenge. (I will die with your name on my lips)
तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। (I love you and will always love you. Let this become the heart beating in your chest)

तुझे भूल जाऊँ यह मुमकिन नहीं है Tujhe bhool jaoon yeh mumkin nahi hai (Forgetting you is not possible)

कहीं भी रहूँ मेरा दिल तो यहीं है। Kahin bhi rahoon mera dil toh yahi hai (Wherever I am, my heart is right here)

तुझे भूल जाऊँ यह मुमकिन नहीं है कहीं भी रहूँ मेरा दिल तो यहीं है। Tujhe bhool jaoon yeh mumkin nahi hai (Forgetting you is not possible. Wherever I am, my heart is right here) Kahin bhi rahoon mera dil toh yahi hai (Wherever I am, my heart is right here)

घटे चाँद लेकिन मुझे ग़म ना होगा Ghate chaand lekin mujhe ghum na hogaa (The moon may diminish [in the sense of dying] but I won’t be sad [because])

तेरा प्यार दिल से कभी कम ना होगा Tera pyaar dil se kabhi kam na hogaa (The love from your heart will not lessen)
गुज़रने को यह दिन गुज़रते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। Guzarane ko yeh din guzarte rahenge ke dil banke dil mein dhadakate rahenge. (We’ll spend these days as they are meant to be spent; Let this become the heart beating in your chest.)

तेरा नाम ले ले कि जीते रहेंगे तेरा नाम ले ले के मरते रहेंगे। तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे।

हसीं फूल के ज़िंदगानी भी क्या है ? Haseen phool ke zindagaani bhi kya hai (What sort of life does a beautiful flower have?)

अभी हँस रहता अभी रो रहा है। Abhi hans rahataa abhi ro rahaa hai (One moment it is smiling, the next it is crying [Literally–Now it is smiling, now it is crying].)

हसीं फूल के ज़िंदगानी भी क्या है ? अभी हँस रहता अभी रो रहा है। Haseen phool ke zindagaani bhi kya hai (What sort of life does a beautiful flower have?) Abhi hans rahataa abhi ro rahaa hai (One moment it is smiling, the next it is crying)

जो गुज़रे ख़ुशी में वहीं ज़िंदागी है नहीं तो यह दुनिया बड़ी बेसुरी है। Jo guzare khushi mein vahi zindaagi hai nahi toh yeh duniya badi besuri hai (In whatever thing happiness lives, that very thing is life; without it this world is very empty)

तेरे धुन में बनते संवारते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। Tere dhun mein bante sanvaarte rahenge ke dil band ke dil mein dhadarkate rahenge. (In your tune form a harmony that lasts; Let this become the heart beating in your chest.)
तेरा नाम ले ले कि जीते रहेंगे तेरा नाम ले ले के मरते रहेंगे। तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे।

अगर मर गया रूह आया करेगी तुझे देख कर गीत गाया करेगी। Agar mar gayaa rooh aayaa karegi tujhe dekh kar geet gaayaa karegi (If I die, my soul will appear [to you]. When you see it, you should sing.)

अगर मर गया रूह आया करेगी तुझे देख कर गीत गाया करेगी। Agar mar gayaa rooh aayaa karegi tujhe dekh kar geet gaayaa karegi (If I die, my soul will appear [to you]. When you see it, you should sing.)

मुझे देख कर तुम ना आँसू बहाना बस इतनी गुज़ारिश है तुम मुस्कुराना। Mujhe dekh kar tum na ansoo bahaanaa bas itni guzaarish hai tum muskuraanaa (When you see me don’t shed tears. [I] just request this: that you smile).

तेरे प्यार में रंग भरते रहेंगी के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। Tere pyaar mein rang bharti rehenge ke dil band ke dil mein dhadakate rehenge. (Your love keeps me filled with color; let this become the heart beating in your chest.)
तेरा नाम ले ले कि जीते रहेंगे तेरा नाम ले ले के मरते रहेंगे। तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे।
तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे। तुझे प्यार करते है करते रहेंगे के दिल बनके दिल में धड़कते रहेंगे।

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Whilst Across the Wilderness from You

As I pass the rolling hills high among Montana’s tall mountains, your face appears in the haze of the dawning dusk. The pale blue sky mimics the placid coolness of your baby blues. Your dirty blonde hair is mirrored in the distant brownish hills. Your bearded smile from our lunch together is etched in the landscape by playful passing clouds. In my mind, the scent of your blazer–so gentle on that March afternoon–lingers as the mirage of your smiling face wanes. I wonder…what if I said it? What if I said, “I like you”? What if I said, “I wish the moment you held me never ended”? Would you have been happy or would that have ruined our current relationship? I want to tell you what’s really in my heart, but I possess no courage to say it in your presence.

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As You Left by Train

In the station filled with people all busy with their day 

on that crisp January day, as you went on your way, 

I tiptoed to bid you farewell, wrapped in your arms as we tenderly kissed, 

the crowd around us stopped to take notice. 

The moment stood still and etched in my mind 

though, now, the clear picture has faded with time.

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Because You Keep Popping Up In Fantasy But We Don’t Reconnect In Reality

How do I say that I miss you without sounding like I want you? A part of me thought we could really be just friends. There’s so much about you that’s similar to me and my greatest fear about you has always been that emotionally you’re exactly like me: there’s someone in your heart whom you have undefined feelings for and all you really want is a chance to clear that up (the only difference is that for me that person is you, for you it’s someone else). But though romantic interests between us may vary, I wanted us to be friends still. I value you a whole lot since I’ve known you so long. As far as initimacy goes, you’ve known me longer than anyone else. You pop up in my dreams a lot even when you’re not on my waking mind. More than anyone else I’ve ever thought I loved, you have consistently been in my life. Yet, while feelings for those others have been resolved and we’ve moved on from each other, I find that you and I have not. Sure you’ve told me that you don’t see us being together because I would not engage in one of your fantasies (which apparently must include me), but since that time you’ve still reached out to me when you thought I needed you. You still seem to care. You still seem to want me in some sort of way, a way that’s not just friendly. Or perhaps I’m reading more into what’s just not there. Maybe for you the whole thing’s resolved, and I’m the one with the issue. I’m the one who wants more than just isolated exchanges. In truth, I know that we can’t be friends like I am with other people, for until my heart no longer skips a beat when I see you, I will always want to love you. 

That’s the place I find myself in, the place I actively try to ignore, the place that sometimes cripples me, but sometimes drives me onwards. I want to always know that you are proud of the woman I am. And, I want you to know, you’re still the guy I dream of even after all these years. You’re still the star I shoot for, the one who gets me going. You’re not currently in the realm of possibilites because I’m currently not pursuing you, but there’s still a space in my heart where you’re the undisputed King. 

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Frustration!

You seemed worthwhile in the beginning, but slowly you got obsessed

Now, so many years later, you’re drunk texting me

But, you had your chance and didn’t act

So why now with your family in tact,

Do you want to say you love me?

Why tell me that you miss me?

You made your choice all those years back

So accept the consequences.

My heart’s moved on to new pursuits

My dreams deleted you.

Once, for a moment, years in the past

I saw a life with you.

You refused to take the leap

Refused my outstretched hand

So now that I’m well over it

Why try to turn back time?

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