A love that was deeper than physicality–that’s what I felt for you. Perhaps, at one point you felt that way too? However, there’s nothing that you’ve either said or done to show that you ever wanted anything more than physical access to me. I know that the conversations we had were real and sometimes meaningful, but I recall them all being punctuated by physical exchanges. In those conversations, you shared very little about yourself, and there’s little about them that you can now remember. They are nice to reflect on at times. At other times, I really want to scream, “You once were the whole world to me! I’d have sacrificed everything for you because I loved the idea of being with you.” I also wanted us to have that child you’d mention in passing. However, you never expressed interest in being together to raise said child and that was my clue that you wanted no relationship. That was the micro fact that kept me away from you. You also had someone in your life all that time, so how could I take what you were saying seriously? There was someone in my life too, but he and I were never serious. He hung out with me because he liked my company and I enjoyed his. He and I knew we could never be a couple because he believed that I deserved a better man than he was. When he did eventually fall in love with me and I with him, I kept my distance from you. You were single at that time, but because you and I barely spoke, I didn’t know you were single and thinking of me (as you much later claimed). Shortly after he realised he loved me, he broke my heart so I’d leave him alone. That was hard since nothing before breaking up with him had hurt quite as much. I moved on from him and found a sweet guy my own age. But as I was growing my relationship with him, you came back into the picture, but you’d already started dating the girl you’d later propose to. He was the man I’d eventually divorce. I didn’t want to marry him. I didn’t want to move in with him at the time. Life had other plans. As pressure built upon my shoulders, as I couldn’t stand the constant fighting with my parents, I buckled and got married since that’s what they wanted. I did love him, my first husband, but I didn’t love him long. I tried to make our marriage work, but when I realized that it couldn’t, I made him leave. He didn’t deserve to be with someone who didn’t love him. He deserved so much more, and I’m glad he has finally found happiness. I’m glad he is better now and happier, too. I know I did the right thing–letting him go. My heart wanted you; I can’t help that I loved you. I can’t help that you’d kinda always been in my heart. Your sincerity when we spoke, your gentleness in the moments we shared, everything I saw in you made me not want to settle. The life that I could see with you seemed worth working for back then, particularly because you said that’s what you also wanted. This didn’t factor into my decision to leave my husband. All you did was help me through the tough decision I knew I had to make. I don’t regret leaving him. All you did was tell me how you felt. All you did was express your interest in being with me. I had asked you to leave me alone. You didn’t listen. But, I was also at fault. I wanted to stay friends with you. I didn’t want to let go. In truth, I realized that I loved you more than him. I had erred greatly in marrying him just to be rid of my parents’ constant pressure. He truly didn’t deserve being in that situation, and I did everything I could to free him from it. But thinking of the pain he suffered and everything he went through, I wish I had been strong enough to spare him it all. After all that had happened, I was ready to live free. This time without my parents forcing decisions on me. I worked a good job and kept in contact with you. Months after my ex had moved out, you finally were back here in the country. I finally got to spend more than just two hours with you. (Though, we still haven’t seen each other over consecutive days since high school.) But after everything went so great that night, I found out that you were dating someone in the country where you lived. I was hurt that you’d kept her from me. I could tell she adored you completely. I didn’t know what you felt. But, I felt deceived, betrayed. Though we were not a couple, the discovery broke my heart. I spent some time crying. You’d ask me before you left about a picture on FB, but how could I tell you what I felt at that moment? I was hurt, angry, confused, and betrayed. I felt used. I didn’t think anything you said to me was true. I didn’t think you really cared. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you what I felt, so I lied and said that the picture meant nothing. You shouldn’t worry about it. After that whole thing, I had to put you out of my mind. I still spoke to you since it was nice to know that you thought of me, but I was no longer dure that I wanted to be more than just friends. There was a co-worker whom I liked enough to date, but things did not work out because of complications in my life. After that, I did not really want a relationship, though there were a few men to whom I was talking. One is in Canada with a child. He’d been my childhood playmate. I didn’t pursue because what was the point? There were two others I would have considered–one an adjunct, the other a professor. But again, I didn’t pursue. I just kept them as friends. Another man was already married so, though he was interested, that wasn’t happening. Couldn’t even be friends with him. I had also reconnected with a childhood crush, but he was not actually interested in dating. He’d have been good for me, but as he didn’t want that, I didn’t pursue. I was in a place where working, going to the gym, and casual dating was better than a relationship. I was happy. I had great friends, wonderful co-workers. My personal life was all over the place, but I spared no thought for it at that point. You and I kept in contact, but at times I was moody because of the broken heart and feeling of betrayal. I was aloof in our dealings because I had come to accept that we’d never be together. Thus, I chose to spend my time with other people even when you were close enough to see me. I also did that because you acted like seeing me wasn’t really a priority, which only accentuated the sting of the betrayal. I never told you this because I feel that you don’t care about it. None of it matters now anyway. The words deserve to be bottled up tight. The pain and it’s company have no recourse or refuge. Choices have been made, hope defeated. Better to bury than engender useless feelings. Wiser to go on along different avenues alone. There in the unknown tranquility’s possible. The protesting heart will grow weary of fighting. A battle so securely lost can never lead to victory. You feel what you do and have moved on with your love. No sense in foolishness when time leaps forth; no possibility of past becoming present. Heartache must learn to find comfort in settlement or else the soul should be set free to drift on in its journey. Alone and untouched by the silliness of fantasy.
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