As You Left by Train

In the station filled with people all busy with their day 

on that crisp January day, as you went on your way, 

I tiptoed to bid you farewell, wrapped in your arms as we tenderly kissed, 

the crowd around us stopped to take notice. 

The moment stood still and etched in my mind 

though, now, the clear picture has faded with time.

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Because You Keep Popping Up In Fantasy But We Don’t Reconnect In Reality

How do I say that I miss you without sounding like I want you? A part of me thought we could really be just friends. There’s so much about you that’s similar to me and my greatest fear about you has always been that emotionally you’re exactly like me: there’s someone in your heart whom you have undefined feelings for and all you really want is a chance to clear that up (the only difference is that for me that person is you, for you it’s someone else). But though romantic interests between us may vary, I wanted us to be friends still. I value you a whole lot since I’ve known you so long. As far as initimacy goes, you’ve known me longer than anyone else. You pop up in my dreams a lot even when you’re not on my waking mind. More than anyone else I’ve ever thought I loved, you have consistently been in my life. Yet, while feelings for those others have been resolved and we’ve moved on from each other, I find that you and I have not. Sure you’ve told me that you don’t see us being together because I would not engage in one of your fantasies (which apparently must include me), but since that time you’ve still reached out to me when you thought I needed you. You still seem to care. You still seem to want me in some sort of way, a way that’s not just friendly. Or perhaps I’m reading more into what’s just not there. Maybe for you the whole thing’s resolved, and I’m the one with the issue. I’m the one who wants more than just isolated exchanges. In truth, I know that we can’t be friends like I am with other people, for until my heart no longer skips a beat when I see you, I will always want to love you. 

That’s the place I find myself in, the place I actively try to ignore, the place that sometimes cripples me, but sometimes drives me onwards. I want to always know that you are proud of the woman I am. And, I want you to know, you’re still the guy I dream of even after all these years. You’re still the star I shoot for, the one who gets me going. You’re not currently in the realm of possibilites because I’m currently not pursuing you, but there’s still a space in my heart where you’re the undisputed King. 

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Frustration!

You seemed worthwhile in the beginning, but slowly you got obsessed

Now, so many years later, you’re drunk texting me

But, you had your chance and didn’t act

So why now with your family in tact,

Do you want to say you love me?

Why tell me that you miss me?

You made your choice all those years back

So accept the consequences.

My heart’s moved on to new pursuits

My dreams deleted you.

Once, for a moment, years in the past

I saw a life with you.

You refused to take the leap

Refused my outstretched hand

So now that I’m well over it

Why try to turn back time?

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El Corazón Tonto

Cuando te vi por la primera vez
Mi corazón se saltó un latido
Claro que no te sentiste la misma
Y, acaso, tú nunca me viste en realidad

Cuando me diste tu atención
Fue solamente por razones físicas
Eras mi primero en muchas formas
Y quería que eras el único
Lo quería tanto que
Hice todo lo que podría

Me encantó la idea de estar contigo
Mejor que todas las cosas en la vida
La esperanza que un día estaríamos juntos
Me dio fuerza en esos momentos en que me sentía explotado.
En mi mente, estaba haciendo todo lo posible
Para asegurar mi sueño de tener una vida contigo

Confiaba en tus palabras cuando dijiste que
Estamos más, no sólo físicas
Confiaba en ti cuando dijiste que
Querías tener un chance de estar conmigo
Porque siempre quería solamente ti
Me paraba mi corazón de enamorarme con otros

Pero ahora mi corazón está perdido
Está tan confundido
Enredado y retorcido en dolor
Aunque sea la verdad
Todavía lo te quiere

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Leave It

I can’t understand why you just can’t let it go
What happened was so long ago
I made a mistake to let you into my heart
You kept making dates but never showed up
You kept saying you wanted to hang out
But never turned up
Left me in an unfamiliar place to make other plans
While you were with some other person.
So why, now, do you think that I care
What you feel or what you have to say?
Don’t tell me you have feelings but
You’re scared to tell me;
If you cannot be forthright, then keep your mouth shut
Keep shut also the door you walked away from
What you cannot say out of fear
Is of little consequence to me now,
So save your breath and walk away
‘Cause I absolutely do not care.

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Perpetually Passing

Within the boundaries of social construct, I cannot say that we can ever be

Your life is so different and distant from mine, and that, too, by your own design

Many happenstance moments, countless might-have-been thoughts

These all seem pointless in the wake of realization

We both know that it is not fated

Your journey and mine never intertwine long enough

And in the brief moments when they do,

We are never on the same page.

I never know where I stand; I don’t know that you care where you stand

One moment you’re there in a tangible way, next moment–poof!

You vanish along your way, as if nothing between us mattered

As though you’re indifferent, unmoved by our exchange

But we both know that the moments have to cease to matter

We both know that there is nothing beyond the moment to sustain it.

The moment is just that—a brief changing thing that ends as the eyes flutter,

Never to return and always overtaken by hours that do linger

The time spent with those who really do matter,

Sparing a nanosecond every now and then to consider that moment

The one that we shared.

 

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A thought occurred.

When you’re soaring, shining brightly on your own, they want to possess you, have you as their own, but when you’re struggling in moments of insecurity, feeling doomed and can’t see beyond your failures and short comings, they run. Where’s the bravness and support that was once promised? Was it only reserved for moments of happiness? If your care and concern is only lasting so long as your mate never wavers, then are you really in love or is it just a “phase that you’re going through,” and you’re so out of touch with your mind and desires that you can’t simply admit you never wanted anything really lasting? 

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