Because You Keep Popping Up In Fantasy But We Don’t Reconnect In Reality

How do I say that I miss you without sounding like I want you? A part of me thought we could really be just friends. There’s so much about you that’s similar to me and my greatest fear about you has always been that emotionally you’re exactly like me: there’s someone in your heart whom you have undefined feelings for and all you really want is a chance to clear that up (the only difference is that for me that person is you, for you it’s someone else). But though romantic interests between us may vary, I wanted us to be friends still. I value you a whole lot since I’ve known you so long. As far as initimacy goes, you’ve known me longer than anyone else. You pop up in my dreams a lot even when you’re not on my waking mind. More than anyone else I’ve ever thought I loved, you have consistently been in my life. Yet, while feelings for those others have been resolved and we’ve moved on from each other, I find that you and I have not. Sure you’ve told me that you don’t see us being together because I would not engage in one of your fantasies (which apparently must include me), but since that time you’ve still reached out to me when you thought I needed you. You still seem to care. You still seem to want me in some sort of way, a way that’s not just friendly. Or perhaps I’m reading more into what’s just not there. Maybe for you the whole thing’s resolved, and I’m the one with the issue. I’m the one who wants more than just isolated exchanges. In truth, I know that we can’t be friends like I am with other people, for until my heart no longer skips a beat when I see you, I will always want to love you. 

That’s the place I find myself in, the place I actively try to ignore, the place that sometimes cripples me, but sometimes drives me onwards. I want to always know that you are proud of the woman I am. And, I want you to know, you’re still the guy I dream of even after all these years. You’re still the star I shoot for, the one who gets me going. You’re not currently in the realm of possibilites because I’m currently not pursuing you, but there’s still a space in my heart where you’re the undisputed King. 


About FreeFlowingThoughts

All of the writing is original and some of the drawings are too. I do these as a form of stress relief and to share my work with others. मैं पल दो पल का शायर हूँ / पल दो पल मेरी कहानी है / पल दो पल मेरी हँसती है / पल दो पल मेरी जवानी है / मैं पल दो पल का शायर हूँ...मुझ से पहले कितने शायर आये और आकर चले गये / कुछ आहें भरकर लौट गये / कुछ नग़मे गाकर चले गये / वे भी एक पल का हिस्सा थे / मैं भी एक पल का हिस्सा हूँ / कल तुम से जुदा हो जाऊँगा तो आज तुम्हारा हिस्सा हूँ / मैं पल दो पल का शायर हूँ...कल और आयेंगे नग़मों की खिलती कलियाँ चुननेवाले / मुझ से बेहतर कहनेवाले / तुझ से बेहतर सुननेवाले / कल कोई मुझ को याद करे / क्यूँ कोई मुझ को याद करे? / मसरूफ़ ज़माना मेरे लिये क्यूँ वक्त अपना बरबाद करे? / मैं पल दो पल का शायर हूँ। (कभी कभी से १९७६) I am a poet for a moment or two/My story is for a moment or two/My laughter is for a moment or two/My youth is for a moment or two/I am a poet for a moment or two...Before me, many poets came and left/Some were burdened with sighs and returned from where they came/Some sang songs before leaving/They were part of a moment/I, too, am part of a moment/Tomorrow I may be separated from you/But today I am a part of you/I am a poet for a moment or two...Tomorrow more song will come like blooming flower buds to choose from/There may be better storytellers than me/There may be better listeners than you/Tomorrow someone may remember me/Why would anyone remember me?/Why would this busy world waste time for my sake?/I am (only) a poet for a moment or two. (From Kabhie Kabhie 1976) [Translation is not word-for-word.]
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